Philip, the popular brother
Originally uploaded by De Carabas.
Last night, my younger brother asked me how to shave. It was the best big brother moment I had, ever.
Earlier today, I was exercising down at the basement (it's the only place where I can do it that has enough space). And I was just about to finish when all of a sudden the fire alarm went off. Now I didn't know what to do. I was on a wheelchair and the only way out was through the elevator and the buttons weren't working. I knew that there was a guard up in the entrance so I started yelling (good thing I decided to stay in the first level today).He came down and told me that they're not sure yet what's happening but if there really was a problem they'd come down and get me right away.
Okay so that wasn't exactly scary but it was sure interesting. I did smell smoke when I tried to see if I could just drag my ass all the way up the stairs in the emergency fire exit. But I knew that fire burns upward and that I wasn't in any real immediate danger.
I started thinking though: What if this was a real fire and I died right now? Would I regret anything? Sure, maybe a few things here and there but I know that I couldn't really get mad about dying this way. I mean, I am on a wheelchair for a good reason. All the choices I have made to set myself up into this situation were so that I could live a life better than what was intended for me naturally. Sure, I may not have had a boyfriend but most of that is my fault and the rest are just accidents.
What about heaven and hell? Well, I made it pretty clear to myself that I don't really want to go to heaven. My dad once said that in heaven, there will only be one love recognized and that's the love between you and God. There will be no such thing as mothers, sons, fathers, husbands or wives in heaven, just God and his children. And I personally think that that's selfish and unless anyone could say that what I just said is wrong, then I'd rather let God make me guilty, show me where I had gone wrong, and stop my existence completely. I don't believe in hell, just not existing ever. If God were to punish me for my sins, it would not last forever. He is, after all, a just God.
So there, I think I'm not afraid of death, just dying. I don't want to live through me being burnt alive. That's horrible. But I think I could handle whatever comes after that.
We Do Not Torture People - IV
Originally uploaded by xylonets.
This is so amazing, I find a great photoset everyday.
But man, I promised myself to cut down on blogging photos (makes the webpage take longer to load) but what the hell, this one's worth it.
Starlight Meadows, Neverland, Amerika
by Xylonets
"The winner's edge is not in a gifted birth, a high IQ, or in talent. The winner's edge is all in the attitude, not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success."
-Denis Waitley, Family life expert (What is a family life expert?!)
"If the only thing we leave our kids is the quality of enthusiasm, we will have given them an estate of incalculable value."-Thomas Edison, Innovator, Leader, Inventor (1,093 total)
"Pity is one of the noblest emotions available to human beings; self-pity is possible the most ignoble...[It] is an incapacity, a crippling emotional disease that severely distorts our perception of reality... A narcotic that leaves its addicts wasted and derelict."-Eugene H. Peterson, Earth and Altar
"Most unhappiness in life is due to the fact you are listening to yourself rather than talking to yourself."-Martyn Lloyd-Jones, English heart surgeon
"The thing that separates good players from great ones is mental attitude. It might only make a difference of two or three points in an entire match but how you play those key points often makes the difference between winning and losing. If the mind is strong you can do almost anything you want."-Chris Evert, Female Athlete
18 grand slams, Overall win-loss record: 1,309 and 146
Almost every morning, I read a little from my leadership books to start my day. It's become some sort of a habit now. It's a good habit. In fact, it's like a little achievement I make each day... I'm a little bit proud of it, actually.
Today was all about positive attitude. It's something we can choose to have, something that is free. There really isn't much I can say about attitudes that these quotes can't already tell you. So I'll just quote away."The greatest discovery if my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitude of mind."
-William James, Psychologist
"The last of our human freedoms is to choose our attitude in any given circumstance."- Victor Frankl, Psychologist Survived imprisonment in a Nazi death camp
"No Matter what happened to you yesterday, your attitude is your choice today."-John C. Maxwell, Author
Whatever your attitude is about something is, that is what your experience about it will be. There is no reality, only perception.
If my attitude about wearing the ilizarov was that it was a superficial cosmetic surgical operation, then that's what my experience would've been. I probably wouldn't have been able to go through all that pain and time spent being alone. It would've been hell.
But - whatever people may think or say - I know that the operations, the time, the effort, the whole process actually was an opportunity to make my body go farther than it was ever intended to go. At least, that's what it meant to me. And that's how I got to endure through those months and the extra months that came due to complications. (That and a little help from the painkillers, that is.)
And I'm still enduring. I still have to go through rehab and learn how to walk on my own all over again (very hard to do; don't recommend it, very humbling though). But that which doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger, right? Or at least that's what I'm going with.
God, this post is so short. It seemed much longer when I was writing it on paper.
desert crusier
Originally uploaded by kevin meredith.
From the world of flickr: BURNING MAN 2005.
It's one of my ultimate favorite photosets. And I think it goes without saying that I really want to go. REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO
expect more posts using this set's pictures...
UPDATE: That Burning Man event is amazing. And there's a website. Oh I'm totally the art-sy kind of person now. Come, camera. Let's rule the world!
face mask
Originally uploaded by kevin meredith.
Bring It On - Steven Curtis Chapman
I didn't come lookin' for trouble
And I don't want to fight needlessly
But I'm not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me
I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell something's coming down
But if it's gonna make me grow stronger then…
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on
Now, maybe you're thinkin' I'm crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
'Cause I know I've got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Now, I don't want to sound like some hero
'Cause it's God alone that my hope is in
But I'm not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who's strong
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let me be made weak so I'll know the strength of the One who's strong
Bring it on
Bring it on
I (Heart) the '70s
Originally uploaded by Whipflash.
Inspiration for the background... minus the shirtless, muscled torso and the skimpy speedo of course. hehe
I want to be a Hollywood Bruiser when I grow up.
I'm really tired so I'll make this one quick: I didn't really find anything out but let's just say that I'm now aware of what I'm doing and what I have to do (just move on) and build up on that tomorrow. I really messed up last week but at least I now know what I did that wasn't working and that’s the start of a damn good lesson. I also know that willpower and pumping myself up for motivation isn't enough because there will be days when I feel like gutter shit. So I have to set my environment up so that I'll feel like winning all the time. So anyway, I want to write more but I need to sleep early so that I can start tomorrow right. Goodnight
A failure doesn't happen overnight, it kinda happens in a week. I have been building up failure over failure and now I'm going to pick myself up. So... it's been almost two weeks since my "first failure" and I'm going to say that it's going to take one whole week of accumulating success after success to put me back on track. But it isn't going to be easy. In face, I stated a similar commitment inside my head yesterday and guess what happened then? I guess it goes to show that the motivation I've been riding on wasn't enough to guarantee me a win. So I'm going to devise a plan on how I can set my environment up for success. That way, I'll want to succeed and have no other choice but to succeed every time. So how am I going to do that? I'm not totally sure but I'll go research what I have and get back to you.
With the exception of Monday, this week hasn't been very productive. I've been very lazy and I've been making a lot of excuses. I really can't trust myself for the standards I expect I need to become successful. I am simply too emotional. Even when I'm happy I self sabotage by celebrating too much.
I could easily say that I'm just not motivated enough - and that may be true - but I think it’s mainly because I am not honest with myself. Once again, I have no internal locus of control. I'm not the master of my life, the enemy is. I did pray about it last night but I don't think that God can really help me get my commitment back to gear. I have to make that decision myself and follow through. What God can probably do is help me realize that and point me out to the right direction.
I'm starting to go back to my old habits. Lord, help me.
Pan Pizza at Pizza Hut
Originally uploaded by blueskygirl.
For Valentines, I took out ten friends for pizza at Pizza Hut and we went around the mall afterwards.
For dinner, I tried this new Vietnamese restaurant with cousins that I haven't seen for a long long time.
Definitely the BEST VALENTINES yet. Next year's going to be phenomenal.
I finished reading the chapter on competence in one of my leadership books. It was very interesting because I could see how that applied to me, especially today. I'm obviously mot competent enough because I let every emotional thing control what happens in my life. Even my mom knows that. I also don't go the extra mile that often anymore, even when I do feel at my personal best. There really isn't any reason why I shouldn't be putting the best effort I can put into my work, especially the things that are important to me.
I really should expect more from myself. I'm more capable than I think I am. I think that I found out a long time ago that it really didn't hurt to be at the level of what's average-ly accepted. And it was just so comfortable that it turned into a habit.
So now that I realize that, I know what's keeping me so low and I know what to do now. This is a lot of momentum building up right now so after I write this entry I'm going to get up and do something productive and give it a 110% effort. Here I come. Three. Two. One...
Go.
inward shift
Originally uploaded by antimethod.
I'm really pissed, writing this entry today. Last night I had such a hard time during my physical rehab and the fact that my right leg isn't straight just really got me down. And now I'm pissed. I'm deformed, disabled and in pain and I'm pissed that I don't have it in me to just quit and end my life. I'm so angry that there's going to be a tomorrow and that I have to live it. And for what? A half lived life, hobbling with a crooked leg and a small chance to make a very forgettable difference with my life? FUCK!
It's been already eight months since I got my Ilizarov apparatus installed in me. I should've been walking four months ago. And now since my muscles were so strong, I have a deformed leg and I have to have surgery to fix it. But not after the fracture has totally healed. FUCK! And how much time will I lose then?
God damn it! Even after that, I still have the will to live. I HATE that. Because that just discounts my pain, like it's not real, like it never really mattered and that I should just change my attitude and just get on with my life.
(long pause)
But damnit, I have to make a choice: to try and succeed and or just keep feeling sorry for myself. I know life goes on so I hate the fact that I'm going to but I have to move on. And that doesn't mean I'm not pissed about it anymore. I still am.
Tennis Fan
Originally uploaded by nerdvin.
I just finished watching Wimbledon (the movie). Truth is, it's almost 2:10AM. The movie started right after I wrote "February." It's a great movie and coincidentally, it has some value to what I was going to write in this entry. Well, not really, but the mind can find answers to almost anything - even if it has to make it up.
But first off, let's talk about what the movie was really all about - none of my imagination mixed in yet: Fear. Or at least that's what I think it was about. Fear was the thing stopping Paul Bettany's character Peter "Something" from becoming a champion. It was what made him choke at the end of his best games. It was really his one true opponent. Now I'm sure love helped. In fact, that's what the movie pretty much says in the end: love made him a champion. (here comes the imagination part) But I think it's what love made him do that's more important. It made him eradicate his fear and point his thinking pattern to a new direction. Amazing huh?
Another part of the story, my favorite part, was how the underdog won the game, over and over again. All because he had a new set of attitudes. There's this saying that I love: "Commitment always precedes achievement." Always. That's amazing. I just got a new hope just writing that. So anyway... I know Peter Something didn't really show much commitment to his game, even when he started winning again. But, y'know, it just proves that his past losses didn't really matter. And that Peter Something had everything going against him. But he pulled through, man. He pulled through.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
