inward shift
Originally uploaded by antimethod.
I'm really pissed, writing this entry today. Last night I had such a hard time during my physical rehab and the fact that my right leg isn't straight just really got me down. And now I'm pissed. I'm deformed, disabled and in pain and I'm pissed that I don't have it in me to just quit and end my life. I'm so angry that there's going to be a tomorrow and that I have to live it. And for what? A half lived life, hobbling with a crooked leg and a small chance to make a very forgettable difference with my life? FUCK!
It's been already eight months since I got my Ilizarov apparatus installed in me. I should've been walking four months ago. And now since my muscles were so strong, I have a deformed leg and I have to have surgery to fix it. But not after the fracture has totally healed. FUCK! And how much time will I lose then?
God damn it! Even after that, I still have the will to live. I HATE that. Because that just discounts my pain, like it's not real, like it never really mattered and that I should just change my attitude and just get on with my life.
(long pause)
But damnit, I have to make a choice: to try and succeed and or just keep feeling sorry for myself. I know life goes on so I hate the fact that I'm going to but I have to move on. And that doesn't mean I'm not pissed about it anymore. I still am.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
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