have you
Originally uploaded by antimethod.
STEP TEN: Allowing a higher power to guide my life and nurture my needs.
Okay so when you’re doing something very hard and –in my opinion – very spiritual like losing weight, you obviously would need a good foundation so that you won’t have any excuse to fail. And what better a foundation than a divine power.
I’m very liberal with my religion and unlike so many homosexuals like me; I do have some kind of a healthy relationship with my God - even though my spirituality nowadays is more self centered. I’m kind of nervous asking God for something that seems so selfish like losing weight. But everyone knows that it’s much more than that. It’s also about me being able to have real confidence, and me believing that I can be attractive. It’s about me getting the discipline and dedication that I would need in my adult life.
I do believe that I can do it with God, especially with God. My world right now is very dark but it is definitely not hopeless. I know the miracles God can do to my life, I’ve experienced them firsthand. I’m just not sure that he’d do it.
So let’s say I do lose weight, what then? I become sexy. I have confidence to make friends and find a boyfriend. I would get over my fear of sex. In fact, I might be a slut – I doubt it, though. I would have charisma, discipline, and happiness. Now aside from the chance that I might prostitute myself to random sex partners, what’s there that God might not approve? Right?
There’s this thing that I believe, it’s also somewhere deep inside where I keep all the things I don’t want to admit. I believe that God would give me what I want if I devote what get from him to his glory. Now that makes me scared. I want to live a life whether or not my God approves of it (so maybe my relationship with God isn’t THAT healthy). And I want to love. I want to love a guy and be loved by a guy. It doesn’t really matter if it doesn’t for a super-long time, but I want it to happen (I think it’s something I just need to prove to myself). I’m just scared that God would make me choose Him over him. I guess I still have issues between me, homosexuality and God.
But then again, y’know, there’s still a chance of me getting what I want even if I devote my life to God.
I’m confused. I’m going to pray tonight. I haven’t prayed for a while but I’m sure God would give me an answer (at least sooner or later).
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
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