ky dejected
Originally uploaded by Hog.
“Do you know how sometimes you see a man, and you’re not sure if you want to get in his pants or if you want to cry? Not because you can’t have him; maybe you can. But you see right away something in him beyond having. You can’t screw your way into it, any more than you can get at the golden egg by slitting the goose. So you want to cry, not like a child, but like an exile who is reminded of his homeland.”
Mark Merlis – An Arrow’s Flight
When I first read that I thought: YES! That’s how I feel! Someone knows how I feel. I’m an exile!
When I see some beautiful guy, I just want to cry. I feel that I’m inadequate. I feel that I can never be like him and anyone like him cannot possibly like me. Why? Because I’m Asian. Because I’m undeserving.
I feel like I’m the exile, punished for his inaction, punished by witnessing my homeland at a distance. And I feel like I don’t deserve to go back to my homeland. But at the worst times: I feel like I never even deserved to be there at all.
PS.
I’m so happy about this post. I wanted to get the Asian thing out of my chest for a long time now. I just didn’t know how to do it.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
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