optimo edinburgh 4 - graffiti
Originally uploaded by biotron.
I was going to write something about Alan Ilagan but I can’t get my thoughts straight. I tried writing something but it just comes out as scattered rubbish. I guess I just have too much to say. But here’s the gist of it, just so I can get it out of my system.
I like Alan Ilagan. Although I think he’s really sexy, I don’t want to fuck him. I want to be him.
When I started acting out as a gay youth, I found out about him and saw how he could live a gay life and decided that that’s what I wanted for myself. I guess I could’ve said that for just any gay guy but Alan was Filipino. That fact just made me think “Here’s a gay Filipino man living the life I want. If he can do it, I can too, right?” (The whole Filipino thing, though, is another post for another time)
I remember writing to him about the surgery, although I don’t think I ever mentioned surgery and limb lengthening but then again, maybe I did. I think I just asked about getting what you want and what would you do to get it. I wrote a lot of emails just like that to other gay people I considered my own heroes. I wish I didn’t delete them.
Now that it has been months since I’ve written to him or any other of my gay idols, I’m looking back at their lives and I somehow quite angry at myself. I had these heroes in my mind for a very long time but I didn’t really do anything to get myself to that kind of life. Well, I did but nothing really worked.
The fact is that I don’t think I’m living the gay life I want - one with sex, partying, friends… that kind of thing. And I feel like I’m getting too old and that time is running out for me.
God, it’s just a gist but it’s still very scattered.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
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