Top Down Redux
Originally uploaded by spunkinator.
Today, there could be a lot of things that could make me really sad. They could really hurt me but... *smile* that doesn’t have to happen. I have… developed. I don’t know how much but I know that it’s significant enough for me right now.
Having said that, I have decided that today I’m going to visit one of my darkest posts in this blog and try to change what I think about that. I’m going to try to fix all the distorted perceptions that I have of myself:
"God, you're so ugly," then comes "And people say I looked better then?!" and finally... "I must be so ugly that I *should* be locked up in this condo" Oh, wait, how could I forget? Here's the best one of them all, my duckies: "God, how could afford to think that you looked good with that ugly mug? How can you even fathom someone thinking that you're attractive?! You have absolutely no right!"
You know what? I’m not ugly. In fact, inside my round face, beneath the fat that shouldn’t be there, there is someone that is very attractive and - if seen with the right eye - very beautiful. I may have been better-looking then but that was a very long time ago and even though people may have seen how great I looked, I didn’t. And if I couldn’t see that then whatever was in the mirror didn’t matter. I’m not stuck here – and certainly not locked up here - in the condo because I’m ugly. I’m here because I’m working to getting something once-in-a-lifetime and making myself better. I’m not here to shield the world from me but to prepare myself into going to the world as a man who’s so much better now than he would’ve been otherwise.
And I can afford to think that I am good looking. Because I the right to and most importantly: because I am worth it and I deserve it.
Harsh words. But that's how I feel, sometimes. Damn those photos, I haven't felt this way in a long time and now they've come to haunt me. I miss my childhood, I do. I wish I could relive it all over again. I would've known what to say, what to do... I would've been great. I would start the whole weight loss program much sooner. I would start putting on facial cream and whatnot to stop those days where my face was like a moon. I would've been beautiful. I really don't want to admit this but sometimes, I feel that going back in time is the only way for me to actually look a little better than normal.
I don’t need to go back to the past to get a head start. I know something better than doing that. I could start the process right now and work hard for it. There are lots of people who achieve goals without a head start. And when I get the rewards for my hard work, I know that it will be so much better because whatever it was may not have been what was meant for me but something better. And I would deserve that.
Will I ever be beautiful or at least attractive? When I was younger, I used to look at my nanny and her lazy eye or the homely children in my school and think "It must be really awful to be ugly. I'm really glad that I look good." And now, the only time when I think I'm beautiful is when I'm online, all alone, and chatting in some cheap random chatroom with a fake picture of someone that would've kinda looked like me if I ever grew up attractive.
I am beautiful and attractive, not just by what I look like but because I am a force. It may be real hard to be ugly to other people, but it is harder to be ugly to you. Now, the only time I feel beautiful is when I see myself in a mirror happy with myself.
Pretty unbelievable, huh? But what’s even more unbelievable to me is that most of what I wrote is what I already think. Even that very last part.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home