A piano dropped from a 40 floor building
Originally uploaded by eyecandyforthebrokenhearted.
I’m stuck and my previous posts show it. I can’t really go forward in my process. And I just figured out why.
I have a fear of looking stupid. I fear that if I go ahead and put a hundred percent effort in my process and show the world the effort of my process - regardless of how I looked - that I would just look like a stupid wannabe. I feel like I have to be good looking or successful to live life or I’d just be a trying hard wannabe. And if I just hide it all in, I don’t have to face that. I won’t have to look like the wannabe and be the real thing.
That fear stops me from that risk. And that’s what it does, really. It robs me from the rewards that I could’ve received. I always talk about not living life to the extent that I want to and leading a shielded life yet here I am protecting myself from the world just because I’m afraid of looking a little silly.
There is only one time I truly remember me living life regardless of whatever shortcoming I thought I had. It was a couple of years ago and I was at a convention for youth leaders. I really wasn’t supposed to be there because I wasn’t a student official at my school. But I was there and I was a force.
It was really wonderful. I was a prince, a young king among minor royalty. People loved me. Mothers wanted me to date their daughters (and no I’m not making that up). I lead people and they wanted me to lead them. They held me in high regard and hung to my every word. Everything I ever really wanted was there. I basically stole the whole goddamn show.
I wasn’t afraid to look stupid and I stole the show. But that was different, you see. That was at a place far away from home with people who didn’t know me and probably never see me again. Doing what I did during the convention now is just going to make it harder.
But then again, that’s all it’s going to do, right? Just make it harder, that’s all.
I need to know that I can live life now. The life I want can be lived at this very moment. I can wake up the prince in myself. I just need to stop worrying about looking stupid. Besides, I’m only human. I can act on my right look stupid too, right?
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
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