Introspection
Originally uploaded by Binary Code.
I have been posting a lot about discoveries I have made about myself, most of them very negative - I’m shallow and a little bit prejudiced, I’m not a good role model for my brother, etc. But what I noticed is that although I have made these distinctions and discoveries, I haven’t yet made the conscious decision to change them.
So this is what I’m going to do now. And I’m going to start by taking control of my life in the places where I am most dissatisfied.
So what am I most dissatisfied the most? I have been doing some soul-searching this weekend and I thought I knew at first. But then, I called my dad for Christmas and realized that I have less than three months to be prepared for my move to California. Three months! LESS than three months! If that isn’t leverage enough for me to change, then I don’t know what is. So now my goals for the next three months are different.
I, Michael, am going to make the conscious decision to master my destiny. My life is going to drastically change whether I like it or not and I’m deciding that I’m going to be ready for that. By that I mean taking control of my physical health and finishing my studies.
I want to be proud of myself. I want my brother to be proud of me too. I want him to see me and be proud that I am his older brother. I want to be his hero.
I want to be able to go to a good college to learn more about becoming rich. And with that knowledge I’ll have the confidence to invest without most of the risk. I want to develop the discipline that will make me successful.
I want the confidence to pursue the relationships I want. I want to have friends and lots of them. I want the confidence to have the social life that makes me passionate and fulfilled.
Honestly, I want really nice clothes and look damn good in those clothes.
But what I really want is to be like the gay idols that I have come to admire, gay men who live an awesome life and have the time of day to share it in their blogs. I want that. I know that I belong up there with them and that’s what I want.
I, Michael, am making the decision to change because I know that if I don’t do this, it will cost me my pride. It will cost me my chance at being my brother’s hero. I won’t be rich, that means I won’t have the freedom. I won’t have the confidence to pursue a relationship, or even a friendship. And if I do by chance have one I most likely sabotage that relationship. I won’t have good clothes. When I go to America, I’ll be vulnerable, clueless and I won’t have the emotional foundation that I need to survive. That’s why it’s important I do this. I am going to change.
And I’m going to have fun doing it too.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
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