Hurting
Originally uploaded by john©.
Do you know how to ruin my day? Simple, show me an old picture of me - me, around two to three years ago and nothing beyond that, to be exact.
It isn't 9am yet and I'm already in a rotten mood. I'm looking at pictures of me that my mom found in a box somewhere. I see these and I just go into a depression almost instantly. What's going through my head? First there's "God, you're so ugly," then comes "And people say I looked better then?!" and finally... "I must be so ugly that I *should* be locked up in this condo" Oh, wait, how could I forget? Here's the best one of them all, my duckies: "God, how could afford to think that you looked good with that ugly mug? How can you even fathom someone thinking that you're attractive?! You have absolutely no right!"
Harsh words. But that's how I feel, sometimes. Damn those photos, I haven't felt this way in a long time and now they've come to haunt me. I miss my childhood, I do. I wish I could relive it all over again. I would've known what to say, what to do... I would've been great. I would start the whole weight loss program much sooner. I would start putting on facial cream and whatnot to stop those days where my face was like a moon. I would've been beautiful. I really don't want to admit this but sometimes, I feel that going back in time is the only way for me to actually look a little better than normal.
I'm starting to cry now.
Will I ever be beautiful or at least attractive? When I was younger, I used to look at my nanny and her lazy eye or the homely children in my school and think "It must be really awful to be ugly. I'm really glad that I look good." And now, the only time when I think I'm beautiful is when I'm online, all alone, and chatting in some cheap random chatroom with a fake picture of someone that would've kinda looked like me if I ever grew up attractive.
I keep telling myself that a day would come, y'know, where I would be like a butterfly from a cuccoon. A day where I would be who I wanted to be. But there's this deep sinking feeling in me, that showed his head now that the photos ruined my morning, that the time would come too late and I would've outlived my youth in that cuccoon. I don't like thinking about it. They say that you become what you expect so I don't like keeping that thought in my head too often.
If I don't go crazy, I'll lose my mind
I saw a life before me but now I'm blind
I wanna go to heaven, never been there before
I wanna go to heaven, so you give me some more
My younger brother is a model.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
1 Comments:
Hello. I think we all feel like this sometimes. I guess the most important thing to remember is that you can never turn back time, and circumstance is what it is. All you can do is your best from this moment on. Seems like, if you don't mind my advice, you should live on hearty salads for a while. Fruit salad for breakfast, and whatever your favorites are for lunch and dinner. You'll fill your body with enzymes, you'll heal, and without even trying, you'll feel and look better, even though feeling better is more important. Peace.
Kat
By
Kathleen Callon, at 1:38 AM
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