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Originally uploaded by antimethod.
Dear God
A long time ago, Julie brought The Purpose-Driven Life to school and talked about something that shook me up inside. She talked about surrender. Basically, I have to surrender my whole life to you because it’s yours. You made me and I owe you my life. But God, what about my life? Isn’t it mine to live? Aren’t there much worse people who live their life more carelessly than I do? I want to live MY life the way I want it.
But that isn’t the reason why I don’t want to surrender. I don’t want to – in fact I don’t think I can – give you my life because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that you’ll make me straight. Lord, I believe that there isn’t anything wrong with homosexuality. The only thing that makes it bad is society. If we were free from discrimination and hatred, we’d be living as normally as we could be.
Lord, you are all-knowing. If this is so, you either know that what I say is true or the truth that would cripple my vindication. I want to know, Lord, the answer. If what I say is true then I certainly wouldn’t have a reason not to surrender myself. But if it isn’t then I’m not sure what I’d do. Maybe I’d take a whole new process to look for another faith. I’m not sure if I could do that. You’re so unforgettable.
I love you, Lord, somewhat. Maybe my resistance to surrender is fueled by the fact that I’m not sure if you love me back. I want to live life, Lord. I want to feel the love from a man. I don’t want to live life from a cloud. Aside from that Lord, I don’t have any reason to live. I know you can give me all of this. I want to know Lord if you love me. I want to know Lord if you will support me.
Lord this is what I ask:
1. I want to have the foundation to live life to the fullest and resist the temptation to destroy myself.
2. I want to have the self confidence to do whatever I would want to do.
3. I want to have a purpose that is beyond looking for love and losing weight. I want to be more than just a human being. I want to be an ideal.
4. I want to be happy, Lord.
And in Jesus’ name, I pray
Amen.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
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