They HAD to use that font?
Originally uploaded by mathowie.
For the past few days, I’ve been talking to someone I met online. I was insecure when he first showed me his picture so I gave him a fake one. Although we never said it, we fell in love and the thought of me being deceitful to someone who thought was totally awesome was killing me. So, yesterday, I told him about the picture and showed him my real one.
He then told me that he, too, was being insincere. Not only did he tell me that he used someone else’s picture, he also told me that he wasn’t white. He was Asian.
It felt weird, like a shift. I had this beautiful mental image of who he was and what he was all about then suddenly everything changed and I had to readjust that picture. I’m sure he felt the same way too, in a way. I didn’t see him the same way I did. It was a total 180 degree change. To be honest, it was because he was Asian. And because he was Asian, my filters had changed. He became a totally different. He was the same person that I talked to. They’re accomplishments and their backgrounds were pretty much the same. But now, he was Asian. And that made it different.
Asians are really hard on each other, me included. I have higher expectations of Asians than I do of white people (or mostly any other race) when it comes to dating. And I’m ashamed of it. I also feel like I’m being judged when I’m around other Asians. The guy I fell in love with did too. He wondered if his accomplishments meant any less because he was Asian. He felt a lot more self-conscious even though he was getting a PhD.
He said that it was our heritage to do so. Is it? I don’t think so. Our parents may have done that (especially my mom) but that shouldn’t be any excuse to make that a part of ourselves. It’s a lie that was planted into our hearts by the people who abused use and told us that we were inadequate. It’s a distorted perception. And honestly I think that it makes us feel like we’re an inferior race.
I feel like that. Am I racist?
I think that racism is prejudice. I’m prejudiced among Asians as compared to other races. Not because I don’t think that they’d be great, but I’m half-expecting them to be ugly. When someone tries to introduce to me someone and say that he’s Asian, I’m just crossing my fingers that they’re cute. To me that’s a form of racism. It’s not as extreme as what people see on TV but it is still prejudice based on race. I need to admit it because I don’t want to live like this.
Or maybe I’m just shallow.
Can I blame myself for how I am? Is it really that wrong? If so, what should I do then? Go and force myself to love somebody I’m not attracted to? Just because someone has a great personality and has a lot to offer, that doesn’t automatically mean that I’m attracted to them. And to try to pretend that feels disingenuous.
The question once again: Does that make it any excuse to feel that way?
I thought that honesty would make it better. I made it up in my mind that he’d accept me for what I really looked like because really, I know I’m not THAT ugly. I made it up in my mind that this great guy would accept me and sooner or later tell me that he did love me. He might’ve rejected me but I know that I’d be able to accept that because if he did, I would just tell myself that he wouldn’t be worth my time and that he wouldn’t deserve me. I didn’t deserve him. I don’t deserve him.
He told me that I shouldn’t dwell on my flaws If I keep on dwelling on my flaws, I’ll never get over “the Asian thing” because I, myself, am Asian. He knows it’s hard. He knows he’s not the cutest guy but he knows that he has a lot to offer. And that’s what he tries to focus on. He knows that he’ll find someone who will appreciate him for what he has to offer and that’s where he’ll find true happiness.
I know that that’s true. But it would be like living in denial, because I know that appearances mean something to me. It’s not something I’m proud of but it’s true. If I do that, I’ll feel like be doing something stupid and insincere because I know that’s not how I feel. This thought comes to mind: “Really now, that’s what you tell yourself but you know you think you’re ugly and no matter how great a person you will be you’ll still be ugly, ugly.” And sometimes, I change the word “ugly” with the word Asian.
A heart defines a person
But I don’t feel that way.
Does that make me shallow? Most likely.
I don’t want to be like that.
I feel evil.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
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