hungry at night...
Originally uploaded by RAF [d.form].
Here comes the time where I’m not posting these entries daily. No real emotional breakdowns here, folks. I’m just posting a sexy butt picture and a couple of updates.
A lot has happened since my last post. I’m making myself believe that I’m worth more than I thought I used to. I’m trying to change what I think. I’m not an ugly worthless person. I’m not extremely huge. I’m trustworthy. I’m worth it.
I still have an emotional eating problem but that just gives me something to work on. Right now I’m “dancing” and doing aerobics as much as I can. The whole trance-like phase in my music taste is starting to make a comeback. Right now I’m downloading Sugababes.
I guess I can see the results. Mom did say that I was handsome and that I’m probably at my ideal weight right now. I kind of believe her but I guess that I want to expect more from me. It’s a healthy expectation, I think. I don’t think that it’s being perfectionist.
This Sunday I’m having my casts exchanged for one of those detachable rubber things. I’m so happy. I’m going to be walking soon. Sure it will be with crutches but at least it’s a start.
night riders
Originally uploaded by lunaryuna.
There was a man in his car trying to talk to me
He drove a Pontiac, red, 1963
He shouted numbers and neighbourhood streets
I said, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know
And then I said to myself, what's he lookin' for
An illegitimate son with an open door
Or else the calling from God he could not ignore
I guess in my own way
Just like him I am wandering, wondering runaway
But aren't we all just
Looking for a place to land
Looking for a friend to call
Looking for a destination, conversation, fascination
To protect us from the fall
Looking for the one to love
Looking for a brand new day
Looking for a reason to stand
Looking for a place to land
There was a girl on a train out of Santa Fe
She found her husband in bed with her sister hey
She left her soul and her kids when she ranaway
Where do you go? Where do you go?
Sometimes the love that you lose is the love you find
Sometimes the pain is the doorway to peace of mind
No matter how hard you try you just can't rewind
Now that you know - where do you go?
I guess in my own way
Just like the her I'm wandering, wondering runaway
But aren't we all just
Looking for a place to land
Looking for a friend to call
Looking for a destination, conversation, fascination
To protect us from the fall
Looking for the one to love
Looking for a brand new day
Looking for a reason to stand
Looking for a place to land
-Dakota Moon
cup'a list
Originally uploaded by nocas.
My Goal Statement
I intend to be healthier and stronger
that I can run faster and longer, lift heavier weights and cut down in body-size ; reducing my carbohydrates, eating more greens, showing a constant commitment to rehab and spending less “slacker” time. I also intend to finish my schoolwork by devoting a couple of hours a day to my modules. I will create rewards for my compliance so I don’t quit when I start to lose my motivation.
Translating my goal:
I know that I have reached my goal when…
Timeline:
minutes
have equipment that weighs no less than 50 lbs.
projects.
January: 180lbs/Finished Math
Febuary: Finished English
March: Finished Science/160lbs
April: Finished Filipino
May: Finished Projects
June: 145lbs
Strategy:
5lbs every 2 weeks
workout every week
(not including time spent at school)
mr. moose and the loveducky
Originally uploaded by dotpolka.
Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;
Woo woo be doo
Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Ducky, you're my very best friend, it's true!
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo
Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby
Rub-a-dub-a-dubby!
Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you.
Every day when I
Make my way to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby
Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber ducky, I'd like a whole pond of -
Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you!
la famiglia
Originally uploaded by The Norwegian.
I have decided something: I want to play the role of the eldest son in my family. I’m not exactly sure why. I think that it’s part of me, growing up. I want to be a man, a REAL man (a real GAY man, and not just a really GAY man).
It’s surprising to me how I relate so much to guys in wheelchairs nowadays but I feel like Jason Ritter as Kevin in the TV series Joan of Arcadia. He’s crippled. He fell down and now he’s slowly taking his life back. He wants his father and his younger brother to be especially proud of him. That’s who I want to be: Kevin.
My father sacrificed so much for me and did a lot of hard work. He endured around 3-4 years of labor to help his children. In my eyes he is a MAN, a REAL man. I want to be my father’s son and be nothing less than the man he is.
Now, my brother… I could go on about my brother, maybe I will in the near future but all my feelings and intentions towards the relationship between me and my brother can be summed up into what Kevin once said to Luke in an episode of Joan of Arcadia:
Kevin: I was the prefect big brother. Come on, admit it, I'm stronger, faster, better looking.
Luke: Well, not better looking.
Kevin: It's a reality, kid, face it. People were nice to you because you were Kevin Girardi's kid brother. Probably kept you from being beat up about hundred times.
Luke: I do seem to attract threats of violence.
Kevin: Last night, the natural order was reversed. You were the big brother. You were smarter and stronger and tougher.
Luke: And better looking?
Kevin: I'm the big brother in this family, in or out of the wheelchair, so get off of my cloud.
Luke: The cloud reference eludes me.
Kevin: Yesterday...that will not happen again.
Luke: Are you apologizing to me? No, no, of course not. Why would you? It's an explanation, and that's enough.
Kevin: If you can't get your money back, I'll re-imburse you.
Luke: Well, that's okay. Of course, yes, I can use the money. And you're fully capable.
Kevin: You're going to be proud of me again.
IMG_0313
Originally uploaded by hopeless128.
I just shaved. I haven't shaved in 5 months. I'm totally not doing it again. Next time the word is:
TRIM
This Isn't Safe...
Originally uploaded by jeffreyworthen.
I'm going out to the mall later... ROADTRIP!!
Here's my gameplan:
Haircut
DETAILS Magazine
Movie.
Simple, right? Well we'll see *grin*
Faith - Fé
Originally uploaded by Cre8vity.
Back in the days where I was a very active Early Teen Missionary, I did a speech on faith. Faith is something I really need right now. I need to have faith that God really loves me and wouldn’t hurt me without an absolutely good reason. (I wonder, however, if that reason would be clear to me when I it happens)
Basically the whole thing can be summed up to three points:
1. Faith is something we practice everyday. We have faith that the ground below us will keep us upright. We have faith that the sun will keep on shining on the farmer’s crops. We have faith that the world turns consistently that we don’t go falling up to space.
2. Faith is trust. If I didn’t trust the world, the sun or the ground, I wouldn’t put any faith in it. I jump off a burning ledge to the arms of my father because I trust that he’d catch me.
3. Faith is an action. It’s not just the trust that my father would catch me from my fall but the jump to his arms itself.
Okay faith applied to my situation would be:
Faith is practicing to know that God loves me everyday. It is trusting him with my life and actively giving him my life.
Is it me or is that one very scary thing?
santi
Originally uploaded by antimethod.
Dear God
A long time ago, Julie brought The Purpose-Driven Life to school and talked about something that shook me up inside. She talked about surrender. Basically, I have to surrender my whole life to you because it’s yours. You made me and I owe you my life. But God, what about my life? Isn’t it mine to live? Aren’t there much worse people who live their life more carelessly than I do? I want to live MY life the way I want it.
But that isn’t the reason why I don’t want to surrender. I don’t want to – in fact I don’t think I can – give you my life because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that you’ll make me straight. Lord, I believe that there isn’t anything wrong with homosexuality. The only thing that makes it bad is society. If we were free from discrimination and hatred, we’d be living as normally as we could be.
Lord, you are all-knowing. If this is so, you either know that what I say is true or the truth that would cripple my vindication. I want to know, Lord, the answer. If what I say is true then I certainly wouldn’t have a reason not to surrender myself. But if it isn’t then I’m not sure what I’d do. Maybe I’d take a whole new process to look for another faith. I’m not sure if I could do that. You’re so unforgettable.
I love you, Lord, somewhat. Maybe my resistance to surrender is fueled by the fact that I’m not sure if you love me back. I want to live life, Lord. I want to feel the love from a man. I don’t want to live life from a cloud. Aside from that Lord, I don’t have any reason to live. I know you can give me all of this. I want to know Lord if you love me. I want to know Lord if you will support me.
Lord this is what I ask:
1. I want to have the foundation to live life to the fullest and resist the temptation to destroy myself.
2. I want to have the self confidence to do whatever I would want to do.
3. I want to have a purpose that is beyond looking for love and losing weight. I want to be more than just a human being. I want to be an ideal.
4. I want to be happy, Lord.
And in Jesus’ name, I pray
Amen.
have you
Originally uploaded by antimethod.
STEP TEN: Allowing a higher power to guide my life and nurture my needs.
Okay so when you’re doing something very hard and –in my opinion – very spiritual like losing weight, you obviously would need a good foundation so that you won’t have any excuse to fail. And what better a foundation than a divine power.
I’m very liberal with my religion and unlike so many homosexuals like me; I do have some kind of a healthy relationship with my God - even though my spirituality nowadays is more self centered. I’m kind of nervous asking God for something that seems so selfish like losing weight. But everyone knows that it’s much more than that. It’s also about me being able to have real confidence, and me believing that I can be attractive. It’s about me getting the discipline and dedication that I would need in my adult life.
I do believe that I can do it with God, especially with God. My world right now is very dark but it is definitely not hopeless. I know the miracles God can do to my life, I’ve experienced them firsthand. I’m just not sure that he’d do it.
So let’s say I do lose weight, what then? I become sexy. I have confidence to make friends and find a boyfriend. I would get over my fear of sex. In fact, I might be a slut – I doubt it, though. I would have charisma, discipline, and happiness. Now aside from the chance that I might prostitute myself to random sex partners, what’s there that God might not approve? Right?
There’s this thing that I believe, it’s also somewhere deep inside where I keep all the things I don’t want to admit. I believe that God would give me what I want if I devote what get from him to his glory. Now that makes me scared. I want to live a life whether or not my God approves of it (so maybe my relationship with God isn’t THAT healthy). And I want to love. I want to love a guy and be loved by a guy. It doesn’t really matter if it doesn’t for a super-long time, but I want it to happen (I think it’s something I just need to prove to myself). I’m just scared that God would make me choose Him over him. I guess I still have issues between me, homosexuality and God.
But then again, y’know, there’s still a chance of me getting what I want even if I devote my life to God.
I’m confused. I’m going to pray tonight. I haven’t prayed for a while but I’m sure God would give me an answer (at least sooner or later).
VICTORY!
Originally uploaded by De Carabas.
Man, that game was SO LONG!
Federer took the first two sets, both at tiebreakers. But Nalbandian totally nailed him the following sets. And finally beat Roger in a tiebreaker for the final set.
It was such a game, wow. Now Nalbandian is the first Argetine to win this cup since 1973, Federer lost his incredible winning streak, and I'm totally jealous of that guy who got to massage Federer's hairy legs. I want that job!!
dark already?
Originally uploaded by design1967.
Okay, my mom saw this article earlier before she and my brother left for the mall. I did promise myself last night that I’d write a list on how I’m going to move forward and since I can’t think of an original one, I’ll use this one ‘til further notice.
The 10 Laws of Losing Weight
Dr. Matthew Anderson
For my guarantee to apply you must practice all, I SAID ALL, of the Laws I am presenting. Notice I used the word “practice.” I did not say “try” or “sample.” Serious weight loss that is sustained is tough to accomplish -- unless -- you practice these Laws.
Practicing the principles will produce results and my experience is that everyone is capable of doing what is required and thus producing the desired results. How long it takes to get there is a very complex issue. Every one of us starts at a different point. But these Laws apply to ALL.
IMPORTANT!!! I have listed the Laws in order of importance, from the least important to the most important. For the best results, start at the bottom and work up. The average seeker of weight loss usually starts at the top and gives up because she/he has not attended to the deeper and more crucial issues. Build a strong foundation before you try to put in a window on the third floor.
THE 10 LAWS OF GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
1. EXERCISE -- A minimum of 20 minutes of aerobic exercise to increase the heart rate three times per week. Talk to your doctor and start slowly. More exercise is OK as long as it is sensible and balanced.
2. EAT HEALTHY -- Have balanced meals, more fruits, vegetables and fish, less red meat and far less junk food. Vitamin supplements are OK if guided by a nutritionist or doctor.
3. EAT LESS -- Conscious eating always produces a significant decrease in food consumption. This can mean as much as 50- to 75-percent difference in some compulsive eaters.
NOTE: One's ability to consistently fulfil and practice Laws 1, 2 and 3 is dependent upon the practice of ALL 7 Laws below. Will power and denial are no substitutes. The ability to sustain the practice of the first three Laws is a direct result of practicing Laws 4 through 10.
4. SELF-EXPRESSION -- Being and doing your true self in action, words and thinking is essential. Say what you mean, do what is right for you and live a life that reflects your best talents and skills. This Law is highly dependent upon the practice of Laws 5 through 10.
5. SELF-ACCEPTANCE -- A willingness and ability to love and accept yourself as the imperfect and wonderful person that you are. Overcoming crippling self-hate and extreme self-judgment and replacing them with compassion and a realistic assessment of your true value. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Laws 7, 9 and 10.
6. MANAGE EMOTIONS -- The ability to identify, observe and productively focus and/or express your intense emotions. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Law 7.
7. HEAL EMOTIONS -- Identifying, experiencing and working through your emotional wounds so they no longer dominate your behaviour, your relationships and your sense of self. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Laws 8, 9 and 10.
8. MANAGE THINKING -- The ability to identify, observe and productively focus your thought processes. Includes the awareness that most thinking is perceiving as opposed to knowing. This Law is dependent upon the practice of Law 9.
9. HEAL THINKING -- Identifying, experiencing and working through your mental wounds so that they no longer dominate your emotions, your perceptions, your relationships and your sense of self.
10. SPIRITUAL NURTURE AND DEVELOPMENT -- A willingness and ability to connect and relate to the Divine Source -- God -- Higher Power. An ability to allow that Source to guide your life and nurture your deepest needs. This Law affects all other Laws. Your ability to practice it effectively can be limited by issues either healed or avoided in Laws 7 and 9.
Federer vs Nalbandian
Originally uploaded by De Carabas.
TODAY!!! ATP Tennis Masters Cup 2005 FINALS~!!!
oo, cant wait.
Just one more step....
Originally uploaded by crazysexygroovy.
The hardest part of getting up isn’t falling down.
- Dad
I just talked to my father. In the middle of our conversation, I told him how harder it seemed to get things done nowadays. I told him about the luster that had faded away from the times when I had the metal equipment impaling my legs. Basically, I was whining. I was telling him how much harder it had become and he said “The hardest part of getting up isn’t falling down.”
Those were just the best words I have ever heard in days (save for the quotes that I highlighted in Life of Pi). The whole point of going through the surgery and process was to rise from the muck that I have been living in. I fell, through the first and most painful part of the whole process. Now I have to wake up my bruised muscles and stand up from my fall. It’s going to be harder than falling but that’s what’s going to get me up.
I feel better now. I’m still in the battle. Tomorrow, I’m going to write down a list on how I am going to win.
Daily Pic 9: Reclined demon.
Originally uploaded by DailyPic.
All of your demons will wither away
Ecstasy comes and they cannot stay
You'll understand when you come my way
Coz all of my demons have withered away
"Demons," Macy Gray
Crawling
Originally uploaded by Rev jesse custer.I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary… So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
Piscine Molitor Patel, Life of Pi
Here is my fear:
He’s an old middle-aged Asian man with no meaningful relationship, still imaging a younger self, spending the night a way with beautiful men – men like the ones he playfully flirts with, glad with any polite half-meant affection that they may or may not return. He comes home from whatever unfulfilling job he has accepted to get enough money. He goes straight to his dark bedroom and spends the night in front of the dim glow of a monitor filled with moving pictures of beautiful flesh upon flesh. And from there he lives his routine life the way he always has, fantasizing (of lovers that never came). Fantasy becomes too much to contain. He drops his lower hospital garments and reaches for his small stinking cock. Eventually, he finishes the fantasy and lies down his bed. He rolls an extra blanket and wraps it twice around his body, one to hug his chest and one to hug his gut. He cries.
Love Cat
Originally uploaded by JFA-japan.
I finished such a beautiful book, Life of Pi. I couldn’t believe how much I just had to read.
It’s a boy who is shipwrecked to a lifeboat with an orangutan, a hyena, a zebra with a broken leg and a huge Bengal tiger. The tiger eventually eats all of his companions save for the boy.
Chapter 22 is a very interesting chapter showing what a religious man, an atheist and an agnostic would see in their deathbed.
Chapter 26 must be the funniest
Chapter 37 is the most exciting.
Chapter 90 has to be the saddest chapter in the book. I almost cried
It’s a wonderful book. I feel great now that I read all of it.
At an aside, story of sole survivor, Mr. Piscine Molitor Patel, Indian citizen, is an astounding story of courage and endurance in the face of extraordinary difficult and tragic circumstances. In the experience of this investigator, his story is unparalleled in the story of shipwrecks. Very few castaways can claimed to have survived so long at sea as Mr. Patel, and none in the company of an adult Bengal tiger.
- Mr. Okamoto’s Letter, Life of Pi
self portrait as somebody else
Originally uploaded by heyoka.
Oh yeah, we all have *that* person in our lives. And now mine knows the whole story about me doing this surgery.
Damnit.
Against the grain
Originally uploaded by .brian.
Last night I had a dream.
It’s morning and everybody’s awake and working. My brother already dressed up for school, my mom talking to someone (probably one of the maids), and the other maid is cleaning around the bedroom.
From the bedroom I undress and go to the bathroom. And when I stand in front of the mirror, holding on to the sink, I feel my feet firmly touch the ground and my legs supporting my whole body. I scream in disbelief. “I’m standing! I’m standing!” I head out to the bedroom and say “Look, everybody, I’m finally standing. Wow, I’m so tall.” They all stare for two reasons: I really am standing and I’m still undressed.
Not that I had anything to hide, after they admired my upright posture and compared how much I’ve grown compared to my brother, I took a few minutes in front of my mirror to admire what has happened to me. I was standing, tall and beautiful. And it wasn’t some foreign unreachable pulchritude that was posing inside the mirror, it was me, all me. I play with new clothes that wouldn’t have fit me before - particularly a forest green zip-up vest that I could wear over my school uniform. Then, I wake up.
What a dream. I believe that in the life that I am meant to live, there is a version of me, one that is patiently waiting for me to turn into him and live. I believe that I’m getting close now to becoming him. There is still a long hard way to go but since that dream, I know that my inner self really believes that I will live the way I want to live. We believe that I can really live. We just know it.
I know, somewhere inside of me. The Me-er Me is smiling back at me now.
Life of Pi
Originally uploaded by ottergreen1.
As a get-well-soon present, my father sent me a couple of books: A little guidebook on books and reading, The Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis and Life of Pi - Yann Martel.
I read the little guidebook first, cause it was such an easy read and it was only around a hundred pages. I started reading Life of Pi but found the first pages interesting but not really exciting so I started on CS Lewis (besides, people were telling me that it was horribly good).
But when my friend Bradley/Brent told me how much he was enjoying Life of Pi, well I had to get back to reading it. There's a whole Chronicles of Narnia movie coming up anyway.
I haven't read much yet but all I know is that there's this very spiritual Indian teenage boy who gets stranded in a little boat with a Tiger. More on this when I finish the story.
G Gaudio vs. N Davydenko
Originally uploaded by De Carabas.
I watched the Tennis Masters Cup again last night. And what a huge shocker from the first game!
Gaston Gaudio has defeaten Nikolay Davydenko 5 consecutive times before last night. You could see how nervous Davydenko was in the begining of the first set. I was totally rooting for Davydenko. I'm so happy he finally won. What a victory!
The next game was between Fernando Gonzalez and Mariano Puerta. And although Puerta is much more my type, (date me Mariano!) He was so careless with that last game. He practically just gave the whole thing to Gonzalez.
Gaston Gaudio is also very hot. (Why do I fall for the losers?)
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Originally uploaded by snookie77.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please attach your earplugs now:
HARRY!!!! HARRY POTTER!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!
Goblet Of Fire is showing TODAY TODAY TOOODAAYYYY!!!!! I wanna go SOOO BAD!!!
I just had to tell someone that I wanted to go. JUST HAD TO. And now Samantha knows I'm in Cebu.
G Coria vs. D Nalbandian
Originally uploaded by De Carabas.
I stayed up last night watching the Tennis Masters Cup 2005 in Shanghai. I didn’t get to watch Federer’s match but looking at the statistics, that must’ve been some hell of a game.
I did catch up to watch Coria and Nalbandian play – both from Argentenia. It was a superb game, save for Coria’s horrible serves. But in Coria’s defense, he was so much sexier than Nalbandian (but then again, Nalbandian has a nice hairy chest). So here’s a sexy shirtless picture.
IMG_3877 eeecopybwe
Originally uploaded by Mitchkitter.
Jason Mraz - Song For A Friend
Well you're magic he said
But don't let it all go to your head
Cause I bet if you all had it all figured out then you’d never get out of bed
No doubt of all the things that I’ve read what he wrote me
Is now sounding like the man I was hoping to be
I keep keeping it real cause it keeps getting easier he'll see
He’s the reason that I’m laughing
Even if there’s no one else
He said you’ve got to love yourself
He said you shouldn’t mumble when you speak
But keep your tongue up in your cheek
And if you stumble onto something better
Remember that it’s humble that you seek
And you’ve got all the skill you need; individuality
You’ve got something. They call it gumption.
They call it anything you want
Because when you play the fool now
You’re only fooling everyone else
You’re learning to love yourself.
(Yes you are)
There’s no price to pay when you give what you take.
That’s why it’s easy to thank you.
Let’s say take a break from our day and get back to the old garage.
Because life’s too short anyway but at least it’s better than average.
As long as you got me and I got you, you know we got a lot to go around
I’ll be your friend you’re other brother
Another love to calm and comfort you.
And I’ll keep reminding if it’s the only thing I ever do.
I will always love you.
(It's you i love our love is true
it's you i love
it's you i love love love...)
Climb up, over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside still rising.
(It's you I love)
Climb up, over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.
Hurting
Originally uploaded by john©.
Do you know how to ruin my day? Simple, show me an old picture of me - me, around two to three years ago and nothing beyond that, to be exact.
It isn't 9am yet and I'm already in a rotten mood. I'm looking at pictures of me that my mom found in a box somewhere. I see these and I just go into a depression almost instantly. What's going through my head? First there's "God, you're so ugly," then comes "And people say I looked better then?!" and finally... "I must be so ugly that I *should* be locked up in this condo" Oh, wait, how could I forget? Here's the best one of them all, my duckies: "God, how could afford to think that you looked good with that ugly mug? How can you even fathom someone thinking that you're attractive?! You have absolutely no right!"
Harsh words. But that's how I feel, sometimes. Damn those photos, I haven't felt this way in a long time and now they've come to haunt me. I miss my childhood, I do. I wish I could relive it all over again. I would've known what to say, what to do... I would've been great. I would start the whole weight loss program much sooner. I would start putting on facial cream and whatnot to stop those days where my face was like a moon. I would've been beautiful. I really don't want to admit this but sometimes, I feel that going back in time is the only way for me to actually look a little better than normal.
I'm starting to cry now.
Will I ever be beautiful or at least attractive? When I was younger, I used to look at my nanny and her lazy eye or the homely children in my school and think "It must be really awful to be ugly. I'm really glad that I look good." And now, the only time when I think I'm beautiful is when I'm online, all alone, and chatting in some cheap random chatroom with a fake picture of someone that would've kinda looked like me if I ever grew up attractive.
I keep telling myself that a day would come, y'know, where I would be like a butterfly from a cuccoon. A day where I would be who I wanted to be. But there's this deep sinking feeling in me, that showed his head now that the photos ruined my morning, that the time would come too late and I would've outlived my youth in that cuccoon. I don't like thinking about it. They say that you become what you expect so I don't like keeping that thought in my head too often.
If I don't go crazy, I'll lose my mind
I saw a life before me but now I'm blind
I wanna go to heaven, never been there before
I wanna go to heaven, so you give me some more
My younger brother is a model.
CRW_5509
Originally uploaded by frenquency.
So I've been thinking...
What *is* the difference between discipline and punishment? When I hear about discipline I think about these shaolin monks that wake up from god-knows-when to labor on themselves. They have to do stuff like hit a huge jar filled with sand 50 times a day or something like that. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like punishment. But they do it. How? or (more importantly) Why? Why, God, why?!!
Okay, let's look at my situation a few month's ago. Why, goodness, why would someone *willingly* break their legs surgically, stick heavy metal-equipment, and endure an orchestra of pain for two months? A couple of inches? A chance to get hold of a once in a life time opportunity? Maybe Mom was right before and I really had a persecution complex... but here's what I think why: BECAUSE I WANTED TO (REALLY wanted to).
So maybe those monks wake up and pound themselves into perfection because they wanted to, really *really* wanted to.
Discipline is a constant commitment to something you want/need (cause why would you want to commit to something you don't really want) and Punishment is just suffering (unless you have some weird emotional complex, poor you). Did I get that right?
So if I want to have discipline in my life, I should find out what I want, what I *really* want, so damn much that I'd be willing to break my legs and stick pins in there all over again.
Yikes, now I'm the man who needs to find out what he really wants. Well, better that than the man who doesn't have any discipline at all, right?
CK001
Originally uploaded by Ichor.
Discipline.
Discipline is a constant commitment.
Discipline.
There are lots of different reasons why I went through the whole surgical process to make myself taller. I think I had the right reasons... It was a once in a lifetime opportunity to have that - if I didn't, I might've lived a life of regret and wonder of what would've happened otherwise. I did it to learn sacrifice and, ultimately, some discipline.
It was easy, at first, to be committed to the process. At times when my mother and my doctor were ready to give up, I was still committed. Well... sortof. (Maybe they would've been if I wasn't screaming so much in pain. I know, in some deep part of me that doesn't really want to admit it, that I overreacted most of the time when I was in pain... but that's a different story, I think.) I would just tell myself that that was what I wanted and that I was bringing myself to a life that I wanted. I even remember feeling very proud.
But now, somehow, everything just went away. Maybe it's because the process took longer than I expected. (I'm still going through the end of the process. I should be walking by now) I still dream about the life I want but where's the commitment now? There's still lot's to do. Have I lost faith in the process or am I just really really lazy?
Is it really just that simple? Just tough it out and get with the goddamn program? I don't think so. I mean, where's the passion? Where's the motivation? (I hope this is just not some excuse that I'm using to stop me from actually working.) Isn't there a fine line between discipline and punishment?
'the sacred name of Roma is Amor...'
Originally uploaded by fubuki.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Jai guru de va, jai guru de va
Jai guru de va, jai guru de va
I have had a hard time sleeping lately. Last night I asked myself a question...
"Am I a virgin?" Heh. Funny, that sounds like a question I should already know. It's all relative, in my case. I did have sexual encounters with around two guys but I don't believe I gave any of the emotional aspect of losing your virginity to either of them. I feel that if I had sex in the near future, I would have a hard time doing it because of the emotions that I would have.
So am I still a virgin? I feel different from people who didn't have sex but I feel that people who have had sex are so entirely different from me. So am I somewhere in the middle? Is that even possible?
Sex scares me, quite frankly. Does that make me a virgin? I can fantasize of people having sex but to actually put me into that fantasy? To actually imagine someone touching me? That's just unimaginable to me. It's not that I don't think that I could be a sexual being. I feel that the sexual part of me is somewhere hidden inside, where the ME-er me resides. Maybe if I reach that point where I am who I really am, I would find out.
Okay talk about some bitch biting you in the ass. Ugh, well... the good news is that my dad recieved news that my petition was approved. Normally, I'd be happy but God, now they would want to see my school papers. EEP! I'm not even halfway done with my schoolwork and I still can't leave the apartment.
Oh and my teacher just contacted me today, trying to persuade me to go online with my schooling for the meantime. Okay, that's alright, I guess. But.. but.. but... Oh god. I'm just so lazy. Ugh, stupid wake up call. I need to do this. I can't deny it anymore. I need to work.
God. You're so lazy, Michael. Get some balls and take responsibility already. Stop killing your damn time.
Massage Therapist
Originally uploaded by sashvh.
Oh...
My...
Rod. *sigh*
There really is something about Rod Stewart's "You're In My Heart" that makes it so dreamy. I love listenin to the soft guitar slowly playing and hearing this soft raspy voice confessing sweet nothings. Oh sigh.
I think that it's the perfect love song ever. That's what I want to feel about someone and what I want someone to feel about me.
I'm going to listen to it later right before I doze off to sleep.
I have to face it. It's not that I don't want to look at it. I just need to understand it completely. I'm not the ME that I want to be.
The Me that I would want to be is a confident, well-kept professional. He walks with a swagger and a certain bravado. He knows how to move and doesn't keep that a secret at all. He's disciplined and passionate in what he does. Sex, to him, isn't something daunting that can break his emotions to whatever oblivion that could exist to him. Artist. Charismatic. Beautiful. In short, he's somewhat of a... superhuman. Something more than mediocre
Would that be too much to ask for? A little confidence that would border onto cockiness and arrogance? A fit body and a well-kept appearance to match what I feel inside? A sureness to my sexuality?
It is - I believe - up to me to get that. I also believe that it will only come to me if I earn it. But what can I do, now? I'm still behind in other stuff, I can't ignore those too. With everything happening, will I ever live the life I know I'm meant to live?
Hush it's my secret.
I have a blog. And it's a sexy blog.
i-li-za-rov (i lē zä ruv) n.
>> The surgery that Vincent undergoes to increase his height in the movie Gattaca. It's named after the Russian doctor who invented it 40 years ago to treat dwarfism. This painful operation adds length by allowing new bone to grow in the gap left by gradually seperating ends of the broken bone. The patient's shinbones are cut in two, a brace is applied and metal pins would pull apart the bones a millimetre each day. Risks include feet permanently turned at odd angles, twisted legs, and weakened bones that break again and again.
>> What I did in June of 2005. I tell people it's either a rock climbing and/or car accident.
